Marriage Transitions

Lets talk about love!!
There are four types of love we discussed in class this week. I will list them and try to describe what they mean in relationships we are familiar with, then I will discuss how each type of love is needful in a marriage.  These loves have a lot to do with marriage transitions- many couple enter marriage thinking it going to to be lovey-dovey, exciting and erotic 24/7 and are not prepared to accept the other loves to appreciate the fullness of loves in a marriage relationship.

1. AGAPE unconditional, for goodwill
• This is similar to God's love
• As a spouse this is needed in you want what is best for your spouse, you are willing to sacrifice your wants for the goodwill of your spouse.  Through thick and thin, you are there when your spouse needs you. No matter if you got in a fight that morning, this kind of love allows you to forget it completely if you spouse runs in with an emergency in need of your help.  There is an omnipotent feel to this relationship, like a knowing that the relationship will have its ups and downs and you are in it for the long run.
2. EROS: erotic, sexual, romantic
• Romantic Comedies
• This is the love you fall in love with. Although, it is unrealistic to have this love every second of everyday, it is very needful in a marriage. There needs to be intimacy and attraction and flirtations, this the exciting, giggly part of your love.
3. STROGE: parent and children
• As a parent I am willing to be whatever I need to be in order for my child to be happy. I may have to be a disciplinarian, a shoulder to cry on, a counselor, a tutor- whatever it may be as my daughter's mother I was determined to be that for her. The love needed nothing in return, yet I have much of myself invested in it.  Similarly, this love is needful in marriage- sometimes a spouse needs a friend, a lover, a support system, a comedian- this love permits your willingness to be this for your spouse- and in so doing you invest into the happiness and success of your spouse. You take their happiness as a personal reflection of your love.
4. PHILLA: friends, brotherly
1. This is important to a marriage because you need to appreciate one another's companionship, there needs to be humor and trust and willingness to stand for you relationship.

Marriage Prep

Three things I would like to discuss regarding dating! The first is what I am going to call "The Dating Filter." Next I will explain the Know-quo, and the three P's of dating.
So first, the Dating Filter, my friends.

Let me explain. First, we date those who fit in with our propinquity, in other words, who is convenient in location or kinship or culture or similarities.  Then comes the first filter- physical attraction, it is inevitable. Then there will be a series of other filters (as shown) and eventually all these filters will narrow your search down to one! So, yes, I thought that was an interesting way to look at the dating game- if you will.
Next I want to talk about the KnoQuo.  There are three essential things that are needed in order to know the person you dating well enough to know if they would be good to marry.

1. Talk (mutual disclosure.)
• It is crucial both partners are invested with disclosure so both know the other well.
2. Time (less than 3 months, you don't know them well enough.)
• The infatuation and raging hormones calm down at around 3 months and you can think practically.
3. Togetherness (variety of situations paralleled to marriage.)
• Dating, variety of intentional dates that put in your introspective situations.

The third aspect I would like to talk about is The three p's of dating and I would like to show the relation with the three p's of a father in the home (both of these p's are in taught in the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints.) You can tell how ready someone is for Fatherhood, by how they date, you  know!

1. Planned Ahead....Similar to Preside
• Making everything is squared away and taking charge of the date.
2. Paid for....Similar to Provide
• Making sure all needs are met.
3. Paired off....Similar to Protect
• Take care of your date, make sure they are comfortable.

Social Class and Diversity

This week we were asked if social class affects the ability a family to perform its responsibilities.  My initial answer was yes. I was viewing social class as more than money or wealth, but as knowledge, education and religion as well. My reasoning was people of a better social class tend to live in better communities, I think they have better confidence and gain the ability to take advantage of more opportunities.  But then as we started to discuss what  a family's responsibilities are, I had a small change of opinion.  In the eternal perspective, I believe a family is responsible for raising children to love God. No matter your social class, or resources everyone is equally capable of this task. I think in a family, it is important to learn work ethic, independence and a view of how your personal actions affect those around you (thats my systems theory playing into everything!)  All families are capable of this- lower social classes may actually have it easier to instill these qualities since there is a larger need to work for income and each family member is crucial to the success of the family, the families are more intertwined and aware of how the outside world affects them.   It was interesting hearing everyone's comments about this matter. I really gained a deeper understanding of the role of families in society and how focusing on social class can take away from this.

Gender, Gender

This week I was more convinced of the importance of gender. If gender doesn't matter- why the distinction? This week, we discussed the hot topic of gender- whether or not it is innate or environmental, we discussed same-gender attraction and we discussed how gender roles affect the family.
I would first like to talk about some across-the-board likelihoods in each gender that we discussed in class and learned from our reading.

Females Tendencies:
Sensitive
Emotional
Observant to Detail
Map via Landmarks
Cooperate
Relationship Oriented
Better Connection

Male Tendencies:
Aggressive
Direction/North, South, East, West Mapping
Spatial Orientaiton
Competitive
Task Oriented
Self Reliant
Better Process

It was interesting as we talked about how well these qualities intertwine with one another.  I thought about how in marriage my husband has had to help me become more independent and task oriented and I in turn have provided a relationship focus he is learning from. It is truly the perfect combination.
Of course not every female fits into the above list and not every male fits into the Male list of characteristics. Does that make them some third gender?  No.  Males were created Males. Females were created females. Yet, when we meet a boy who say, plays with barbies or likes fashion we automatically refer to him as gay.  We label him before he even has the chance to make a choice for himself.
One thing in which I am certain. Our identity is that of a child of God.  That is first and foremost of anything we do in this life.
Too often gender roles are mislabeled in a conflict when they were created to work in equal harmony. I am grateful for traits that set me apart as a woman.

Understanding Family Dynamics and Theories

Today I am going to talk about the different theories in explaining family dynamics.  There are four specific ones we talked about in class. (most of my information is from pages 20-22 of Marriage and Family, Lauer & Lauer.)

1. Exchange Theory: the idea that we try to keep our costs lower than our rewards in our interactions. Cost being anything from time, money, energy, emotional output- anything you would say in your investment in the relationship.  Rewards would be the same list but what comes back to you from the other person. It is a rational assessment of a relationship- if the relationship costs more than it rewards you will theoretically walk away from that relationship.
2. Symbolic Interaction Theory: Humans are shaped by their interaction experiences. Our interpretation of the situation is practically the situation in itself- how view the experience is more important than the experience itself.
3. Conflict Theory: This is the idea that all societies are characterized by inequality, conflict and change in groups as they struggle to be the best. This can range from social class, to religion, to gender. 
4. Systems Theory: the group must be analyzed as a whole. The group has boundaries that extinguish it from other groups. In each system each member takes a certain role to contribute to the family system. What happens to one person affects the family has a whole.

In class we put a "family" in a circle holding hands. When one family member is pulled in a certain way the rest of family showed obvious strain. I really liked watching the analogy.