Divorce and Blended Families

4 things a blended family should know:

• It will take two years for "normalcy"
• Biological parent needs to be the heavy disciplinarian
• Step parent needs to be similar to a really good aunt/uncle
• Both parents discuss and make rules

As a friend of the blended family it is important to support the

Parenting

This week we discussed the role of parents. What is my role as a parent?
I believe in society my role as a parent is to raise my children to be assets to the community to learn they are part of a bigger picture and they have a responsibility to contribute to that. I need to teach honesty, work ethic and compassion for mankind.
Religiously, I feel like it is my responsibility that they know they are children of God, that they understand the process of getting answers from him and to guide their search in a relationship with Him.  It is important I let them steer their own boat, but teach them how get over certain waves if they so choose.
The following talk was one I read while studying parenting this week, I feel that is captures a lot of what I feel on parenting.

The world needs courageous parents who are willing to take as stand for their children.
I also really like this quote:

"Parents are with their children almost constantly and can observe when they are ready to be instructed. From questions or behavior or because of experiences in their own lives, they can sense that it is time to teach. Parents must know when the time for the lesson is now, right now, for their children are ready for it."

Boyd K. Packer

As a stay at home mom

This week we were asked to read the article, 

Does a Full-Time Homemaker Swap Her Mind for a Mop?

By Dennis Prager

The following were my thoughts on the subject.

There was a specific part of this article that stood out to me. When Dennis Prager mentioned , "As a rule, little children don't contribute much to the intellectual life of a parent. Any intellectually alive woman who is a full-time mother must therefore find intellectual stimulation elsewhere." 

This is interesting. As a mother of two young children, I have felt growth in a lot areas and have gained much wisdom, but I would have to agree that there needs to be an outside source to provide intellectual life.  He mentioned his wife did things like watch the history channel, stay well informed in politics and so on. Her search for self sustaining knowledge didn't interfere with her initial goal of being home with her children, but she did have to be innovative in her desire to stay educated.  

I think as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints, I have a religion that provides ample oppurtunities to study and learn and grow intellectually, and it doesn't need to stop there. I think the 'mind for a mop' isn't because mothers choose to stay home, but because mothers choose to stop learning and expanding their horizons. 

With my first child I dropped out of college to stay home with her, the time period was about two and half years.  Schedules opened up and my husband and I both felt it was for our family's best interest if I went back to school to finish my degree. This semester I am gone half a day Tuesday and Thursday taking 12 credits. I do my homework during nap time rather than relaxing or wasting time. It has been invigorating, I have found myself involved in more intelligent conversation with other moms during play dates, I am a more motivated mother and am not pouring from an empty cup.  

I'm not saying you need to leave the home and be a full time student for a time to get that fulfillment, but I have definitely learned to be successful in raising children there needs to a constant flow of knowledge and intellectual learning on the mother's end. 

The remarkable thing is the flexibilty staying at home gives mothers to grow intellecually. As was stated in the article, there is more time than if the mother had a regular 8-5 job.  Stay at home moms have the potential to be the among the most intelligent in their social circles, because they work their intellectual interests into their daily schedules. It was interesting to think about.

I definitely think a stay at home mom takes work and an intelligent woman to complete the job successfully.

Communication and the Family

First let me tell you a shocking (to me anyway) results from a study recently done:
Communication is interpreted
14% Words Spoken
35% Tone of Voice
51% Nonverbal
Holy cow! What about texting and emails? Can't you see the problems that can arise in this day and age?
That just blew my mind. When we are talking with members of our families, we need to make sure these three things align- that our words match our tone and our non verbal- an honest relationship would consist of that.  Let me draw a chart of how communication tends to take place.

We need to be aware that what we are thinking isn't necessarily interpreted correctly- there if first the struggle to put into words what we mean, then the media in which we choose to do so (like our underlying body language,) then, the other person must interpret what was said. It is like the game we used to play as kids, called Telephone- it is important to be exact for communication to work effectively.

Family Crisis

There are three things that make up the experience of a family:
  A (actual event)
  B (behavioral response)
+C (cognitions)
 X  (experience)

Many times our reponse can be bigger than the crisis itself.  It is crucial we understand our role in the crisus. Knowing that each person's experience will vary extremely from the actual event, it is crucial we be empathetic to what the other people in the situation are thinking, we also need to understand the need to speak up why we are acting the way we are.  There is eminent danger when important things go unsaid.
It is common for a depression to develop as a reaction to a given experience.  In order to recognize this in ourselves we must constantly evaluate our thoughts- are they extreme? Are they distorted? Depressing thoughts can become a habit and even an addiction so it is crucial to be aware of what your mind is thinking and to vocalize what could be misunderstandings.
"As a man thinketh, so is he."
As far as family crisis go, I really appreciated this inspirational thought on dealing with hard times, in general. I am a firm believer in families and I know they can conquer any pains through Jesus Christ.

Sunday Will Come

“Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

“But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

“No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, in this life or the next, Sunday will come.”

Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Dark Friday, Bright Sunday," New Era, Mar. 2008, 4

Intimacy

I think a big thing I got from this week was the importance of boundaries.  It is crucial we save the very best and the very most of ourselves for our spouses. Emotional affairs can be a real threat.  Where we invest our energy is where will will likely want to be.  We learned to take cautions with friends and social networking. There is a place for friends and keeping in touch, but we must always make sure they are there to bring us closer to our spouse, not draw us away from them.
I also thought about pornography, and how it can detract from a marriage, I love this video made by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, the speaker is Jeffery R. Holland on the subject.

Marriage Transitions

Lets talk about love!!
There are four types of love we discussed in class this week. I will list them and try to describe what they mean in relationships we are familiar with, then I will discuss how each type of love is needful in a marriage.  These loves have a lot to do with marriage transitions- many couple enter marriage thinking it going to to be lovey-dovey, exciting and erotic 24/7 and are not prepared to accept the other loves to appreciate the fullness of loves in a marriage relationship.

1. AGAPE unconditional, for goodwill
• This is similar to God's love
• As a spouse this is needed in you want what is best for your spouse, you are willing to sacrifice your wants for the goodwill of your spouse.  Through thick and thin, you are there when your spouse needs you. No matter if you got in a fight that morning, this kind of love allows you to forget it completely if you spouse runs in with an emergency in need of your help.  There is an omnipotent feel to this relationship, like a knowing that the relationship will have its ups and downs and you are in it for the long run.
2. EROS: erotic, sexual, romantic
• Romantic Comedies
• This is the love you fall in love with. Although, it is unrealistic to have this love every second of everyday, it is very needful in a marriage. There needs to be intimacy and attraction and flirtations, this the exciting, giggly part of your love.
3. STROGE: parent and children
• As a parent I am willing to be whatever I need to be in order for my child to be happy. I may have to be a disciplinarian, a shoulder to cry on, a counselor, a tutor- whatever it may be as my daughter's mother I was determined to be that for her. The love needed nothing in return, yet I have much of myself invested in it.  Similarly, this love is needful in marriage- sometimes a spouse needs a friend, a lover, a support system, a comedian- this love permits your willingness to be this for your spouse- and in so doing you invest into the happiness and success of your spouse. You take their happiness as a personal reflection of your love.
4. PHILLA: friends, brotherly
1. This is important to a marriage because you need to appreciate one another's companionship, there needs to be humor and trust and willingness to stand for you relationship.

Marriage Prep

Three things I would like to discuss regarding dating! The first is what I am going to call "The Dating Filter." Next I will explain the Know-quo, and the three P's of dating.
So first, the Dating Filter, my friends.

Let me explain. First, we date those who fit in with our propinquity, in other words, who is convenient in location or kinship or culture or similarities.  Then comes the first filter- physical attraction, it is inevitable. Then there will be a series of other filters (as shown) and eventually all these filters will narrow your search down to one! So, yes, I thought that was an interesting way to look at the dating game- if you will.
Next I want to talk about the KnoQuo.  There are three essential things that are needed in order to know the person you dating well enough to know if they would be good to marry.

1. Talk (mutual disclosure.)
• It is crucial both partners are invested with disclosure so both know the other well.
2. Time (less than 3 months, you don't know them well enough.)
• The infatuation and raging hormones calm down at around 3 months and you can think practically.
3. Togetherness (variety of situations paralleled to marriage.)
• Dating, variety of intentional dates that put in your introspective situations.

The third aspect I would like to talk about is The three p's of dating and I would like to show the relation with the three p's of a father in the home (both of these p's are in taught in the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints.) You can tell how ready someone is for Fatherhood, by how they date, you  know!

1. Planned Ahead....Similar to Preside
• Making everything is squared away and taking charge of the date.
2. Paid for....Similar to Provide
• Making sure all needs are met.
3. Paired off....Similar to Protect
• Take care of your date, make sure they are comfortable.

Social Class and Diversity

This week we were asked if social class affects the ability a family to perform its responsibilities.  My initial answer was yes. I was viewing social class as more than money or wealth, but as knowledge, education and religion as well. My reasoning was people of a better social class tend to live in better communities, I think they have better confidence and gain the ability to take advantage of more opportunities.  But then as we started to discuss what  a family's responsibilities are, I had a small change of opinion.  In the eternal perspective, I believe a family is responsible for raising children to love God. No matter your social class, or resources everyone is equally capable of this task. I think in a family, it is important to learn work ethic, independence and a view of how your personal actions affect those around you (thats my systems theory playing into everything!)  All families are capable of this- lower social classes may actually have it easier to instill these qualities since there is a larger need to work for income and each family member is crucial to the success of the family, the families are more intertwined and aware of how the outside world affects them.   It was interesting hearing everyone's comments about this matter. I really gained a deeper understanding of the role of families in society and how focusing on social class can take away from this.

Gender, Gender

This week I was more convinced of the importance of gender. If gender doesn't matter- why the distinction? This week, we discussed the hot topic of gender- whether or not it is innate or environmental, we discussed same-gender attraction and we discussed how gender roles affect the family.
I would first like to talk about some across-the-board likelihoods in each gender that we discussed in class and learned from our reading.

Females Tendencies:
Sensitive
Emotional
Observant to Detail
Map via Landmarks
Cooperate
Relationship Oriented
Better Connection

Male Tendencies:
Aggressive
Direction/North, South, East, West Mapping
Spatial Orientaiton
Competitive
Task Oriented
Self Reliant
Better Process

It was interesting as we talked about how well these qualities intertwine with one another.  I thought about how in marriage my husband has had to help me become more independent and task oriented and I in turn have provided a relationship focus he is learning from. It is truly the perfect combination.
Of course not every female fits into the above list and not every male fits into the Male list of characteristics. Does that make them some third gender?  No.  Males were created Males. Females were created females. Yet, when we meet a boy who say, plays with barbies or likes fashion we automatically refer to him as gay.  We label him before he even has the chance to make a choice for himself.
One thing in which I am certain. Our identity is that of a child of God.  That is first and foremost of anything we do in this life.
Too often gender roles are mislabeled in a conflict when they were created to work in equal harmony. I am grateful for traits that set me apart as a woman.

Understanding Family Dynamics and Theories

Today I am going to talk about the different theories in explaining family dynamics.  There are four specific ones we talked about in class. (most of my information is from pages 20-22 of Marriage and Family, Lauer & Lauer.)

1. Exchange Theory: the idea that we try to keep our costs lower than our rewards in our interactions. Cost being anything from time, money, energy, emotional output- anything you would say in your investment in the relationship.  Rewards would be the same list but what comes back to you from the other person. It is a rational assessment of a relationship- if the relationship costs more than it rewards you will theoretically walk away from that relationship.
2. Symbolic Interaction Theory: Humans are shaped by their interaction experiences. Our interpretation of the situation is practically the situation in itself- how view the experience is more important than the experience itself.
3. Conflict Theory: This is the idea that all societies are characterized by inequality, conflict and change in groups as they struggle to be the best. This can range from social class, to religion, to gender. 
4. Systems Theory: the group must be analyzed as a whole. The group has boundaries that extinguish it from other groups. In each system each member takes a certain role to contribute to the family system. What happens to one person affects the family has a whole.

In class we put a "family" in a circle holding hands. When one family member is pulled in a certain way the rest of family showed obvious strain. I really liked watching the analogy. 

 

Week One

Elder M. Russell Ballard's recent remarks at General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints:

"And, of course, societies at large are strengthened as families grow stronger. Commitments to family and values are the basic cause. Nearly everything else is effect. When couples marry and make commitments to each other, they greatly increase their chances of economic well-being. When children are born in wedlock and have both a mom and a dad, their opportunities and their likelihood of occupational success skyrocket. And when families work and play together, neighborhoods and communities flourish, economies improve, and less government and fewer costly safety nets are required.

So the bad news is that family breakdown is causing a host of societal and economic ills. But the good news is that, like any cause and effect, those ills can be reversed if what is causing them is changed. Inequities are resolved by living correct principles and values. Brothers and sisters, the most important cause of our lifetime is our families. If we will devote ourselves to this cause, we will improve every other aspect of our lives and will become, as a people and as a church, an example and a beacon for all peoples of the earth."

I fell that this coincides so well with my feelings from this week's materials and discussions. I feel Elder Ballard's remarks ring true.  This week we learned some trends in today's society including:

Delayed Marriages

Lowered Birth Rates

More Unwed Births

Mothers working (especially when children are 6 or younger.)

Premarital Sex

Cohabitation

All these trends move us further away from the needed structure of the family. With these trends, Population is lowering and slowing down, Education trends head in the wrong direction, and with lower population and productivity levels, our economic successes falter. 

Devoting ourselves to family will only stabilize the foundation of our society.

First Off: Meet my Family!

Below is the family I come from!

My mom and dad are in front, then left to right: David, 29, Rebecca, 18, Matthew 22, Me! Mary 24, and James 26.

Next is the family I have since started:

Left to Right: Johnny 16months, John 26, Me! Mary 24, and Caity 3.

These are the people who have motivated me to go into Family and Marriage Studies. Through these eternal relationships I have learned the power families can have on our happiness and ability to go out and uplift the world.  I hope to be able to expound on this knowledge throughout this course, and teach my children what my parents taught me: 

Family Matters. 

...and that's my take on it.